For nearly five decades, science taught us that our natural response to stress was a hormonal push toward “flight or fight.”  Now, a recent UCLA study has figured out that because most of the previous research had been done with male subjects, the conclusions were skewed.  “Flight or fight” is actually linked to testosterone, which is found in much higher levels in men than in women.

Women’s responses to stress involve different biochemical reactions leading us to different impulses.  Under stress, women take actions to care for others and to form networks and friendships to reinforce our strength.  The UCLA researchers are calling this response “tend and befriend.”  The hormone they have isolated that triggers this behavior is oxytocin, which is present in both women and men.  It is what floods us with feelings of love and connection after orgasm, childbirth and nursing.  So in situations where men get pumped with testosterone, women may feel soothed and focused on group cohesion.

Like “fight or flight,” the “tend and befriend” reaction is a survival mechanism.  The species needs both responses for us to weather life's challenges.  While Alexander the Great was fighting and Moses was fleeing, there were women maintaining their households and kinsfolk.

"Tend and befriend" networks have always been there.  They provided child care, elder care, health care, primary education, midwifery, etc. throughout human history, though seldom noted by the historians.  Now that women are working as executives, politicians and professionals, our leadership has gone beyond family groups, religious congregations and civic organizations.  The oxytocin in all of us is responding to stress with its de-stressing effects.

A woman of valor often does not seek to be singled out. Florence Nightingale and Mother Teresa are mere footnotes in history, but their work is symbolic of the loving dedication of millions of women whose passion for service has carried the human race from generation to generation. 

Oxytocin is changing the legal profession.  Both female and male attorneys have become more tuned in to possibilities for peaceful problem solving.  And inter-disciplinary networks have arisen that facilitate the sharing of information.  Even the field of litigation has become less focused on winning battles and more focused on improving cost-effectiveness and achieving more nuanced outcomes.

Tending and befriending will halt or slow down the passing on of stressors.  Fewer stressors mean fewer stress-responses, stopping the cascading effect of stress within a group.  In addition, individuals with good mental and physical conditioning can lower their own hormonal stress responses by lowering perceptions of danger. A man like Barack Obama who was raised by women and whose education developed his studious approach to challenges is not a "wuss" whose hormones are low. His stress thresholds are different because he perceives problems differently.  He actually seems to enjoy meeting challenges that would leave the rest of us sleepless with worry.  (Michelle Obama shows typical female stress-related behavior by tending to her family and touching the queen.)

Hiring a lawyer is a stressful activity right off the top.  It is hard to know whether you are going to receive the expertise you need.  The expense of paying the lawyer adds more stress.  Do not exacerbate the situation even more by choosing the wrong person to be your attorney, advocate and advisor.  Reduce your stress by monitoring your own stress responses and finding others with whom you feel a bond.